TEAM QUAN- LOVE

I'm so excited to be back with my team. They all rock. They are all interested and engaged and willing. I think the willing part is the best part of all. They are open to every adventure, to every strange or nuanced idea and they are patient and willing to hear it out; to dig deep to be vulnerable and to share. I want to remember that all this is, is storytelling at its finest. I feel like great leaders tell their stories well. They are clear from the beginning about what they want to convey and they are willing to be proved wrong and they are willing to go all in. Maybe that is what I want the most- to feel like I can go all in and be okay either way. So this is the week of the Penn State scandal- and I've thought a lot about leadership. Joe Paterno lost his job because he failed to manage- a member of his team. Sometime the stakes are that high and it's the ones we should be protecting that at first glance seem they are not that big of a deal,. On one hand I can see someone in his position thinking "I have bigger things to deal with- I was hired to win games, to coach football - not to manage morally questionably adults. This is not a part of my job." But on the other hand there was a lot more at stake than winning footballs games and in terms of legacy this is how he will be remembered. I wonder. Will he be remembered as an outstanding coach with awards, and metals and titles, who influenced generations of players and fans- or as a leader who allowed monstrous behaviour to go unchecked? It's easier on many occasions to not have the conversation to not ask the questions that are uncomfortable or pointed. Is that the measure of a true leader? He got caught up in it and he was the bigger fish to fry. Should we call this a lesson learned? I hope.

Uncontrollable _ I need to change

Its Sunday evening and I find myself at half past 10pm crying uncontrollably. Something is wrong. I have not been living up to my potential and have not been living the life I was meant to live. I'll say it for myself and for everyone out there- which at this point is Melissa Mangold. (I love you girl- thank for reading) I've suffered my whole life from depression- not just the general malaise kind but the "what the !@#$ are you doing" kind. Why do I have such self-loathing? It's not always there you know- sometimes I am confident and free and focused. But not today. I have felt over the last couple of weeks an itch-a heat - an unsettling fear of going too fast in the wrong direction. What am I so afraid of? Will I get to the bottom of this? I think I will and I think I will begin living my authentic life. I just need to trust!

Commitment and Reward

Was in NYC last week and accomplished a couple of cool things. I'm typically not motivated to put myself to work but this Leadership program has changed me in many ways so I put myself to work. I set up three meetings with applicants and it was fabulous. I had so much fun. I prepared some question ahead of time and decided that that is the best engage. So NYC was a major success in terms of follow through. I kept all of my commitments, kept my phone with me at all times and generally had a blast chatting with new folks and old friends. I also did a bit of shopping which will probably take me till next year to pay off but I had so much fun and decided to treat myself to a few new items.

Stage Name: Fearless Fortissa

So I've been toying with some ideas about fear, and have been trying to come up with some talismans or totems to think of to help me get over my fears in any situation. I wish everyone could read my journal entries from when I was 13 I think I'll post one here later, not just so you can see my ridiculous 8th grade bubble letters but so that you'll see how generally I come across as a big old scaredy cat! "I'm afraid I'll always be ugly, I'm afraid no one will want to marry me, I'm afraid I'll be a nobody, just fear fear and more fear. Remember the lion in the Wizard of Oz? That was so me. I prayed for courage a lot- back when I use to pray (no offense to anyone who does), and I remember thinking if I just had courage I would light the world on fire. So its particularly awesome that Marissa came up with my stage name; Fearless Fortissa, or "fearless strength." Because fear can be a great thing- it can be a huge motivator, as in, "I'm afraid I'm turning into my passive aggressive mother by not learning how to be more assertive." Well kids here it is - fear is natural we need it but what we need even more is to acknowledge the fear and go for it anyway. I'm learning to link the massive amounts of fear I have to the excitement that can come from overcoming that fear to achieve the life I want, desire, and deserve. So thank you Marissa for helping me to see that I am fearless in my pursuit of overcoming fear, I have tapped into the courage I always had.

Feds Feed Families'

So I just did something that I never do and that would be send a mass email to co-workers asking them to contribute funds to an agency wide program for the Capitol Area Foodbank. One email and the volunteering of time got the 7th floor staff to rally. We ended up contributing $150 in 24 hours to the effort to feed area families. Anyway, I would never have thought of doing this before the NLP program. I know its small but to me it was significant. Some extra folks will eat a little better in the next few weeks. Pretty good feelings from that.

Hello Team

What a great first couple of weeks. Right after NLP I came home and was on fire. For real. I was interested, engaged, and gave myself an hour in the evenings to set myself up for success for the next day. Then the weekend came, my mother-in-law visited (which is an entirely different blog-trust me), the earthquake and well somehow the ball kept unraveling. I'm in the process of picking things back up and am looking forward to a weekend here at home to get things back on track.

My PDAP is going strong- I'll post it here later. Started the Toastmasters thing which I think is great, doing my Improv class with a friend in September and signed up for adult tap lessons at the ballet studio. Now I know what you're thinking- that's not a stretch at all. Former dancer + dance class = no problem. Well I have to tell you that counting music and percussive rhythm is not my strong suit. I have not tapped since I was four years old, and I'm thinking that a lot has changed since then. Tap is VERY different than ballet or jazz or anything else for that matter. So I'm conquering my fear and yes I will be performing in the recital at the end of the year. The tap teacher is fantabulous. Her name is Kamia and she is fierce!! Number one, she doesn't take crap from anyone; which I tend to give a lot of, and two, she knows how to teach. So, the whole getting out-there, and meeting new people, and doing new things is going great. I've got to keep the momentum going.

Loved chatting with the team last night. We missed Kathy but we'll catch up with her. The group is amazing. You all are so supportive and well "fierce"as well. So thanks team for giving me a great refresher. Let's go! Viva la QUAN!!

Week in Review

So last week I had a major break through. I feel like I cracked myself open and it was about
time as well as long overdue. The New Leader Program through the US Graduate School has been incredible. I've decided to begin a blog in order to journal in a more expeditious manner and to have a bit of a web presence related to my experience. More to come...